In this post I will be providing you with my rough draft and discussing it.
When considering my rough draft, I would like you to know that it is the transcript for a video essay. Everything on it will be read out loud and I may add a bit to it as i read. It will be accompanied by images and videos.
A big weakness of this is the fact that I can not present the reader the video version of this because I wont have the materials until next week.
A strength of my work is I think I have a well developed argument and I will be able to quickly transform this into video format based on the transcript I have already prepared.
I reviewed your script on its content.
ReplyDeletehttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1SItcpo6npMt1Zq7YNcJSYZKiCyvih4pRcQz5WmHrmig/edit?usp=sharing
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ReplyDeleteHi Malik!
ReplyDeleteYou can find my peer review here Here
Hey Malik!
ReplyDeleteI think you have a really good start here. My suggestions are to move the counter argument to the front (I did the same thing with my paper) that way the audience will be more open to your point of view. I found myself standoffish about the opinion until I read the last (or second to last) paragraph, so moving it up could help you appeal to readers. Also, I think it would be really effective for you to say why it's bad that these companies are going to lose so much money on wages (again, earlier than you mention that eight could go to zero when jobs are outsourced) because readers may think you're referring to a billionaire CEO losing money, and they probably wouldn't care about that. Great work!
ReplyDeleteYou do a really great job of explaining the proposal of raising minimum wage to $15/hour. You give a lot of great context and pull in a lot of interesting figures who have been influential in creating the image that is presented to the public.
I don’t quite understand why this is important to you. Are you an economics major? Do you have a particular interest the pay gap? Do you have experience being on either side of this pay gap? I understand the credibility of your argument based on your sources but not based on you.
A lot of your script focuses on what appears to be the counter argument. What exactly do you think should be done about the poverty crisis? I can tell you don’t agree with raising minimum wage but I think you might need to dedicate proportionally more time to that than your counter argument.
Overall, your script seems really great. You’ve got a great handle of form. (: