Local Revision: Wordiness

In this post I will be breaking down my "wordiest" paragraph in my project.

HikingArtist. "A picture is worth a thousand words" uploaded 7/26/2012 via wikipedia. Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike

Original paragraph:

It was a crisp summer morning on May 27th, 2015. All was quiet outside of the Bar Au Lac in Zurich, Germany. Inside of the luxury hotel, a group of FIFA officials began to prepare for the 65th FIFA Congress. Unbeknownst to them, the Swiss Police were gathering outside to perform a large-scale arrest. They moved into the front lobby, requested the room numbers of seven officials in the hotel, and went to each room to arrest them. The tension in the air was palpable as the public was met with a shocking image of the officials being escorted out of the building behind big white sheets by the police. Simultaneously, two more arrests were made at The Confederation of North, Central America, and Carribean Association Football (CONCACAF) headquarters in Miami, Florida. These arrests directly led to investigations in Australia, Colombia, Costa Rica, Germany, and Switzerland.

Rewritten Paragraph:

It was morning on May 27th, 2015. All was quiet outside of the Bar Au Lac in Zurich, Germany. Inside of the hotel, FIFA officials began to prepare for the 65th FIFA Congress. The Swiss Police were gathered outside, then moved into the front lobby, requested the room numbers of seven officials in the hotel, and went to each room to arrest them. The public was met with an image of the officials being escorted out of the building by the police. Simultaneously, two more arrests were made at the CONCACAF headquarters in Miami, Florida. These arrests directly led to investigations in several other countries.

Which is better?

I think that the first one is better. It includes more vivid detail and is a better story than the second. I feel like my reader would enjoy reading the first paragraph more than the second. The second my be shorter and more concise, but the first paragraph will get the message across effectively without being too long.